Fatherless America
What will our nation look like without fathers? Click on the link below for one writer’s grim take. It’s not pretty.
Finally…an e-zine for single parents.
In my first year of single parenting, the internet was a mere infant. Most family and parenting magazines were targeted to intact families. Women who kicked their abusive husbands to the curb were still looked upon unfavorably in most evangelical circles, especially among the older generation. [Someday I plan to blog about that tough first year.] When I did find reading material targeted at me, it made me shudder. The statistics were dire: children of single moms were more likely to drop out of high school. Daughters were more likely to get pregnant as a teen, and sons were more likely to engage in delinquent behavior. Both were more likely to use drugs.
I couldn’t win for losing.
But I also knew my sons didn’t HAVE to take the path to loserdom. Check back again for more on how, with the help of God and a support system, my sons overcame all those negative forces threatening to take them under.
How much easier if I’d had this:
http://singleparentfamiliesmagazine.com/
The founder is herself a single mother. If you are too, I encourage you to save this link and refer to it frequently.
Blessings to all,
~DVC~
Beauty from Ashes, Part II
In Beauty for Ashes Part I, I promised you a visual example of God’s ability to make something spectacular out of lowly ashes. As I mentioned in my post, it’s fairly close to home. Mt. Mazama, tucked into the Cascade Range in Oregon, is even more beautiful as a crater than she must have been 6,000 years ago as a mountain.
Before:
After:
Isn’t it amazing how God can take a barren wreck and turn it into a work of art?
~DVC~
Beauty for Ashes, Part I
Isaiah is one of my favorite Bible books. It may seem stuffy and archaic to some, but to me, it magnifies the glory of God. Certain sections in the last third of the book get delightfully apocalyptic in a Back to the Future sort of way. Like Daniel. Or Revelation.
Tucked inside all this rich, end-times prose, you’ll find this jewel:
“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me,
Because the Lord has anointed Me
To preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord,
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
3 To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” (Isaiah 61:1-3, NKJV)
If you’re a solo mama, you probably know a lot more about ashes than you do about beauty, and mourning than joy, heaviness than praise. But how comforting to know the Lord promises to console those who mourn. Like those of us who mourn the loss of a marriage. Stability. Companionship.
Do you see anything missing in the passage? What about God’s promise to take away my troubles and give me everything I ask Him for? You mean, it’s not there?
So much for health, wealth and prosperity.
I keep having to come back to this verse every time I start thinking I don’t deserve my lot in life. Railing at God for the trials He’s forcing me to endure.
But if I didn’t mourn, how would I ever know his sweet comfort? If I didn’t know ashes, how could I know beauty? Comfort is much sweeter in the valley than on the mountaintop.
Next time, we’ll talk about a real-life example of beauty from ashes. And it’s about 60 miles from my home.
~DVC~
Memories…All Alone in the Moonlight
I love Cats The Musical. Picture a tribe of human-sized cats slinking around dark alleys under the moonlight, discussing deep subjects like happiness and the meaning of life. Then Grizabella leaps onto the scene, singing that heart-tugging number we’ve heard a million times on the radio, TV, and in karaoke bars, Memory– the anthem of single mothers everywhere.
Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember
A time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
~~Written by Trevor Nunn
Poignant, bittersweet. Celebration of a former life, Mourning over loss. The song turns dark, depressing, finally ending on a note of hope:
Look, a new day has begun.
But sometimes, during the dark days, before the new day dawns, we can barely make it through the now. And what about our kids? They suffer the most when a parent leaves. As I mentioned in a previous post, my divorce took its toll on my kids in numerous ways. If the divorce hadn’t happened, would they have been drawn to more respectable friends, instead of judging potential companions by their “cool” factor? Would my under-achieving son have lived up to his potential?
Sad to say, we’ll never know the answer to these questions until we get to heaven. In the meantime, I found the ministry Focus on the Family a wonderful source for solo mamas. The attached article tells how we can let God heal broken hearts…not only ours, but our kids most of all.
~DVC~
God, Where’s my husband?
For your Maker is your husband; The Lord of hosts is His name. (Isaiah 54:5).
If you’re a single parent, do you sometimes find it hard to attend church or other public events, because you know you’ll see all these happily married/taken couples everywhere you look? Sometimes it’s easier just to stay home.
The Lord knew how we’d feel, even 3,000 years before we were born. Because He came up with Isaiah 54.5. True, He’s talking to the nation of Israel, yet I’ve always found it a comforting verse. “But I want a husband with skin on,” you say. “Someone I can snuggle with at night.”
I wish I could tell you that God has one for you. I don’t know if He does or not. Which brings up a pet peeve of mine from my single-parenting days: well-meaning folks who claimed God had someone just for me. How presumptuous. There is no way a mere human can possibly know what God has planned for someone else.
But until He does send Mr. Perfect-for-you, cling to God as your husband. I’ve found His presence just as comforting as any man’s. Plus, He’s altogether perfect. Not merely Mr. Perfect-for-you. God can read your mind. A human husband can’t, as we’ve all found out the hard way. His love runs deeper and wider than the ocean, more intense than any man’s.
My kindness shall not depart from you. (Isaiah 54:10)
~DVC~
Interview with Solo Mama – Part II
Blogger: Last time we talked, we promised my readers we’d share your secret to keeping your sanity.
Solo Mama: When my oldest was about to enter high school, I discovered a prayer group for moms called Moms in Touch. It’s a national organization with a specific prayer outline and Bible verse for each meeting. Once a week a group of us moms meet at the leader’s house for focused and structured prayer for our kids and their schools and teachers. Basically, we pray the Word of God over our kids.
B: Have you seen any changes in your family since you started?
SM: For myself, my weekly prayer powwow gives me hope—that God will answer the cries of my heart, that my children will grow up to be God-fearing adults, that He’ll watch over and protect them when I can’t be there. Group prayer infuses my heart with peace like a sweet-smelling herbal tea.
B: What about your kids? Have you noticed positive changes in them?
SM: I have. The biggest change, or rather, miracle, happened to my developmentally-delayed son. The wannabe chef. In two years, he went from being a C/D student to an A/B student. God led me to the perfect therapy program for him, and provided the funds to pay for it. I firmly believe that God heard and answered the cries of this mom’s heart.
B: Thank you for sharing your story with us. Do you recommend that single moms seek out these sorts of support groups?
SM: Absolutely, especially if they involve prayer. This group has taught me how trustworthy the Lord is, and has shown me how tender His heart is toward children.
Interview with Solo Mama, a divorced mother of three – Part I
Blogger: We are all dying to know how you manage three kids on your own! What is your secret?
Solo Mama: Oh, I have a few tricks up my sleeve. Shh, don’t tell them, but I sign them up for activities from morning ‘til night! That way they have no time to get in trouble.
For instance, after school they have softball or soccer or track practice. Sometimes it’s a game or a meet. Then it’s time for dinner, which one of them is assigned to prepare on a rotating basis. However, as they’ve gotten older, that’s pretty hit or miss. After dinner is Boy Scouts for the sons, or music lessons for the daughter. They have about an hour before bed to do homework. And another day is gone!
B: Wow, you must be busy with trying to work full-time as well.
SM: I love my job. I have a meme at my desk that says, “Work: The place you go to escape your hectic home life.” So true.
B: Do you ever get time for yourself?
SM: Weekends are “me” time. They go to their dad’s every Saturday night and come home Sunday evenings. During the divorce, he and I stayed as amicable as possible. You know, it’s far better to lose a little “stuff” than it is to make a lifetime enemy. I know too many divorced mothers who are teaching their kids to hate their dad. Unless he’s a criminal or an abuser, DON’T DO THAT. And even if he is, please don’t teach them hate. Don’t you think we have too much hate in the world already? Yes, explain to your kids that their father did wrong and they have permission to sever their ties with him if he has hurt them. But at the same time, don’t express bitterness toward him. If you need to vent about him, be sure your kids are not around. You know the saying, attitudes are caught as well as taught.
B: Well, that’s all we have time for now. We will continue this interview tomorrow, when Solo Mama will reveal her number one secret for keeping her sanity.
Recipe for Single Moms
Many years ago, my three-year-old son discovered a love for food preparation. He’d come up with all kinds of concoctions. Here’s one of them:
½ gallon of milk
2/3 quart chocolate milk powder
Approx 8 tbsp salt
¼ can of pepper
¼ jar of onion powder
½ box of petit fours
In a saucepan, mix all ingredients together on medium-high heat, stir, and enjoy. Note: In order to capture every subtle flavor of each ingredient, it is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to prepare before 6:00 am, before anyone else is up. I promise it will fill your home with a mysterious yet enticing scent, and will bring the rest of the family scurrying to the kitchen.
Doesn’t that look scrumptious? A half-gallon of milk mixed with chocolate powder sounds like a promising beginning, doesn’t it? Funny how life can imitate recipes. In my own case, life as a single parent started out not so bad. Once I rid my home of my alcoholic husband’s toxic influence, the atmosphere lightened as if the house itself breathed a big sigh of relief.
But then life threw a lot of salt into the mix. And way too much pepper. One of my sons began getting in trouble at school for disruptive behavior, and he was only 6 years old. His grades nosedived and his behavior grew increasingly unruly as the long year wore on. As this was happening, another son, the chef wannabe, was diagnosed with delayed development.
Sweet had turned to bitter.
I had eliminated one problem – abusive husband – but had acquired umpteen more. Child support was erratic, at best. Financial problems, like onion powder, is only tolerable in small doses.
Life had turned into a disaster that made me gag.
I decided I needed a way to sweeten up my life, and came up with the perfect solution: a delicious new romance! A purely selfish, yet pleasurable way to make life bearable again.
Of course, it didn’t work. Petit fours soaked in salt, pepper and onions aren’t so tasty anymore. Neither is romance when the rest of life isn’t working.
But here I am, twenty years later, my sanity still intact—at least, I hope it is. My son the aspiring chef is on the verge of graduating from college. My unruly son made it through school and has been on his own for many years.
So, you might wonder, how did I get from there to here?
It’s a long story, one I’ll have to save for next time. But it’s a testament to God’s grace. His merciful concern for the widow and the orphan.
Be sure to come back for the rest of the story.
~~Dawn V. Cahill~~
Don’t ask me to sing a solo, please
Have you ever sung in choir? If you have, you may understand what it feels like to accidently “sing a solo” after everyone else has stopped singing. Oops, you think, as your face flames bright pink. Or red, if you’re in front of an audience. Everyone turns and looks at you. Some may mock you or laugh. Worst of all, if you’re a soprano, some smarty-pants bass tries to mimic you in falsetto.
The thing is, I hate singing solos. I don’t really have a solo voice. I’d rather sing a duet. But God in His inscrutable way chose me to be a “soloist” and asked me parent my offspring alone until I launched them out the door as capable, self-supporting adults.
Just like in choir, sometimes in life we end up going solo when we didn’t intend to. Maybe our spouse died, or left. Or, like me, we made him leave.
I know how it feels. And so does God. Hosea 14:3 says, “For in You the fatherless finds mercy.” God has a great big compassionate heart for the widow and the orphan. I see no reason not to believe He includes the divorced or single mother as well. God’s everlasting arms are vast enough to hold you and your children with tender mercy. An old hymn says it best: “Leaning, Leaning, Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.”
I encourage you to lean on them. When your kids are angels, and when they are devils. When they mind, and when they don’t. When they sass you, and when they hug you.
I found God to be an unfailing source of wisdom during my years as a solo mama. All I had to do was ask. “If any or you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach.” James 1:5 (NKJV)
Dawn V. Cahill - Hot Topic Christian Fiction 